✨ Maybe It’s Not an Attachment Wound—Maybe It’s Just Life-Truth about Emotional unavailability in men

By Dr. Phaecia Ward

Lately, I’ve seen a flood of content—especially on social media—tying every romantic disappointment to some unhealed attachment wound or unresolved trauma. “You’re an anxious preoccupied. He’s a dismissive avoidant. You attracted each other like magnets.” “You’re a strong, independent woman? That’s why you only attract emotional unavailability in men.

I’ll admit, there’s something seductive about these narratives. They offer clarity in the murky world of dating. They give us language for complex emotional experiences. And as a therapist, I deeply value attachment theory—it’s powerful, useful, and often accurate.

But let’s take a breath and ask the question no one wants to ask in the age of Instagram therapists:

What if it’s not that deep?

🔍 Not Every Disappointment Is a Diagnosis

Sometimes, we attract people who aren’t ready for the kind of relationship we want—not because we’re wounded, but because we’re alive and dating in the real world. Sometimes people pull away because they’re overwhelmed, emotionally immature, bad at texting, or simply not interested enough to try.

That’s not always about your inner child needing healing. That’s about discernment.

It’s not pathology. It’s compatibility.

It’s not a trauma reenactment. It’s timing, values, priorities, life stage.

Attachment theory helps explain patterns, but it can’t always explain people. Especially people who have no interest in reflecting, healing, or growing. We can’t keep projecting therapy language onto people who’ve never been to therapy and don’t plan to start.

💡 Real Talk: It may not be emotional unavailability in men

Some people are emotionally unavailable because:

• They’re exhausted.

• They’ve never been modeled vulnerability.

• They don’t value emotional depth in the way you do.

• They’re actually satisfied with surface-level connection.

That’s not dysfunction. That’s difference.

You wanting more doesn’t mean you’re broken. Them offering less doesn’t mean they’re toxic.

Sometimes it’s just not a match—and that’s nobody’s fault.

💔 The Law of Attraction… or the Law of Repetition?

Yes, I believe we repeat what feels familiar. Yes, unresolved wounds can influence who we gravitate toward. But we also live in a culture that rewards emotional detachment, praises hyper-independence, and rarely teaches relational skills.

So maybe it’s not your wound attracting avoidant men.

Maybe it’s the dating pool, the social conditioning, the lack of emotional fluency in modern relationships.

Maybe it’s both.

🧭 The Real Work Isn’t Always Healing—Sometimes It’s Choosing Differently

Here’s a truth I’ve come to love, both as a woman and as a therapist:

You don’t have to be fully healed to stop entertaining relationships that drain you.

You don’t need to decode someone’s attachment style before deciding that your needs matter. And you don’t have to accept every emotionally aloof man as a cosmic invitation to “do your inner work.”

You’re allowed to say: "This isn’t enough for me.” Without turning it into a self-improvement project.

Final Thought

Attachment theory is a tool, not a verdict. It can guide you, but it shouldn’t guilt you. You can love deeply, want more, set standards, and walk away—not because you’re anxious or wounded—but because you’ve grown. And your growth doesn’t require everyone else to catch up.

Maybe it’s not a wound.

Maybe it’s wisdom.